Home
by Alia G. L
Summary: This is an AU-ish version of the ending of season 9's "Heaven Can't Wait" episode. Dean asks Cas where he wants to go leading to a contemplation of options, a confession, an apology, and forgiveness.


Author's Note: In the episode "Heaven Can't Wait", there is lag time between Dean picking Cas up at Nora's and when they end up back at the Gas-N-Sip. So I thought to myself, what do the two of them get up to during that time? This is what my brain came up with. It is slightly AU-ish as I've left out their conversation from the end of the episode and replaced it with one of my own imagining, happening earlier in the evening. Hope everyone enjoys it. Please read and review!

"Where to, Cas?" Dean looked at Cas over the top of the Impala. Cas considered the question. Where did he want to go? Home, but that was no longer an option. Might never be an option ever again. So instead of replying, Cas got into the Impala. He stared straight ahead, not meeting Dean's eye as the hunter slipped into the driver's seat.

"Cas?" Cas didn't respond. He was thinking. Where did he want to go as Heaven was no longer an option? Back to the Gas-n-Sip? It was his only home now but it wasn't really home, not in the ways that mattered. And if Nora found out he was living there, Cas figured he'd be out of both a home and a job. Where did he want to go? Such a simple question with so many complicated answers.

"Hey, Cas, where to, man?" Dean eyed the angel- no, human- in his passenger seat and felt concern. Cas was a lost soul. He was never meant to be human yet here he was, living the struggle, trying to make it like everyone else. But Dean couldn't get over the look of hopelessness in his eyes. It was a look that hinted at the heartbreak the now human angel had gone through, the loss of Heaven and his grace being just the tip of the iceberg. Dean was sure the encounter with Ephraim hadn't helped any. But he couldn't think of anything to cheer Cas up or remove that look in his eyes.

"I just want to go home." The angel suddenly volunteered. He glanced over at Dean. "But I can't. Even if it wasn't shut against us, I couldn't go back. Not without my grace. And the only other home I know…" The angel winced and left the sentence unfinished. Dean felt curiosity.

"What other home?" Cas looked at him, blue eyes showing a mix of unease and sadness.

"The only other home I know is with you." The angel whispered. "But you asked me to leave." Dean felt like someone had just smashed into him with an 18-wheeler- again. He had never known Cas felt that way. Never known that Cas thought of them-him-as home. And he had kicked him out.

Dean turned away, unable to meet the angel's eyes. He'd had to do it to save Sam. If Cas had remained, Ezekiel would have left and Sam would have died. But must he always sacrifice one for the other? Friend for his brother? And what had he done for Cas? Nothing. Kicked him out and turned his back. He hadn't even offered a safe house. He hadn't offered anything really because he had been so focused on Sam. Dean gripped the steering wheel, feeling its familiar curves. What had he done? And was there any way he could make it right?

"Cas." He whispered. Cas turned away, staring out the windshield. "I am truly sorry."

"I know, Dean. You have Sam to think about. He is your true brother." Cas shifted in his seat, wanting this conversation to be over. What else was there to say? "You can take me back to the gas station, please." Dean couldn't handle it. He turned to face Cas.

"Cas, I am sorry I told you to go. I wish I could change what happened. I wish I could explain. I wish you could come back with me now. But…" Dean lost words. He couldn't tell Cas. And Cas couldn't come back. Sam was still healing. "I am sorry." Dean whispered, knowing in his heart that it wasn't enough. What were words without actions? There was no action he could take, at least not yet. Was this all he could offer the angel, who was as much a brother to him as Sam? Just the words "I'm sorry"? But what else could he have done? He had to save Sam. Dean gripped the steering wheel tighter, willing his emotions to not show on his face and wishing he hadn't been put into a position that required lying to his best friend.

Cas may not have had a great grip on human emotions (how could he as he was experiencing them for the first time) but he always had that sixth sense when it came to Dean. Perhaps it was because of how involved he'd been in recreating the hunter after Hell. But the reason didn't matter. Cas watched the emotions flittering across Dean's face and he knew instinctively what was going on. He remembered Dean's anguished appeal to not have failed Cas, like he had failed everyone else. That appeal was there now, but unspoken. It lingered in Dean's apology and lost words. How to reassure the hunter that yet again he hadn't failed Cas? Cas reached over and laid a comforting hand on Dean's shoulder.

"I know. And I understand." He truly did. How often had he trusted the hunter and followed his lead? Whatever was going on, whatever reason Dean had for kicking Cas out, he trusted him. It wasn't ideal and wasn't what Cas wanted, but he still trusted that it was for the best. "You don't have to say anything." Cas gave Dean a gentle smile. Dean smiled back tentatively. He would never get over Cas and his ability to forgive.

"So now what?" Dean asked, changing tracks and trying to lighten the "chick flick" moment feel. His insufficient apology lingered in the air but there was nothing more to be said. Dean couldn't tell the angel what was really going on with Sam, meaning there would be neither help from Cas nor any chance of bringing the angel back home with him. And while that knowledge would continue to gnaw at Dean, he still felt he was making the right choice- the only choice. Cas understood. Cas had to understand. One day, Dean wouldn't have to sacrifice one for the other. But today was not that day.

Cas' hand fell away from Dean's shoulder as he once again thought about where he wanted to go. He wished he had his grace, wished he could understand all the emotions he saw flickering across the hunter's face. Did his words give Dean relief? Or had they only increased the hunter's distress? Cas wished there was a way to convey to Dean that, deep down, he knew that Dean was truly sorry and that if he could change what had happened, he would. And Cas could and would always forgive Dean anything. How many times had the hunter forgiven him, for things Cas considered infinitely worse? It was the nature of their friendship and Cas knew, despite his desire to return to the bunker, that Dean was making what he felt to be the right choice. And Cas could not judge him for that.

"You could take me back to the Gas-N-Sip." Cas suggested.

"To hell with that." Dean said, making up his mind. He couldn't change what had happened. He couldn't bring Cas back to the bunker, not yet anyway. But he could spend time with his friend now. At least make sure he was okay before leaving him again. It wasn't much but it was all he could do.

"The night is young, Cas. You've had a hard day. Time to have some fun." Cas raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not sure I like your idea of 'fun'." The angel commented.

"I'll pretend not to take offense at that. Come on, one beer. One beer to drown your sorrows. And maybe a bar girl to increase your happiness." Dean grinned at the angel who looked like he was about to roll his eyes. "Come on. What do you say?" Cas thought about it for a second and then gave up.

"Let's go."

()

Dean pulled up in front of the Gas-N-Sip. There had been no bar girl (not for Dean's lack of trying, but the look on Cas' face had prevented anything more than a wink and a smile), but in the end, Dean didn't care. He hadn't seen a real smile on Cas in forever. But one or two had slipped out over the course of the night. They had laughed, talked, reminisced. Yet they still had avoided the elephants in the room- the fallen angels, Metatron, and Cas' exile from the bunker. For one night, though, they had just been two friends, enjoying each other's company, while the rest of the world could worry about itself. And for a brief time, that look of hopelessness left Cas' eyes.

So here they were, Dean once again leaving the angel at some random place, with so little. Dean had given Cas all the money he had and the best advice he could think of regarding the angel's new position as a human. As they left the bar, though, Cas had told him that he could figure this out. He had been figuring it out. Dean still felt horrible leaving him here. He wanted to do more. But there was nothing else he could do. And despite the night, despite Cas' forgiveness, despite everything, as Dean drove away and saw Cas' expression in the rearview mirror, he knew anything he would ever do for his friend would never be enough to make up for having failed him once more.

And as he watched Dean drive away, Cas knew exactly where he wanted to go. But like all his other choices, it might never be an option again.


End file.
